Last week, I shared with you a poem I wrote that goes along with this article. You can read it here – Come Out Come Out!. I lived through a season of deep pain and hurting. I sensed the Holy Spirit’s leading and knew He wanted me to give up my hiding place and spend more time with Him and with others. However, I thought for sure that no one could love me if they saw what I looked like on the inside of my heart, and if they ever saw what I really looked like, they weren’t going to like me. I was so afraid of being rejected – it hurt like a knife into my heart. I struggled with the Lord over His desire for me to come outside of my cave to spend time with Him. I was in turmoil with the Lord over His desire for me to come outside of my cave in order to spend time with others. We struggled. We had numerous conversations. Me talking. Him listening. HE wanted me to move outside of my cave. How we fought over this issue of relating to Him and relating to others. We fought and fought and fought, until I knew that I knew that I knew that I really had no choice. I HAD to move onward into Him, or I would be miserable the rest of my life. I knew it deep within I had to come out of my kaleidoscope of fear.
Genesis 32:24-25 And Jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled with him until daybreak. And when the Man saw that He did not prevail against Jacob, He touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob’s thigh was put out of joint as he wrestled with Him. Then, He said, Let me go, for day is breaking. But Jacob said, I will not let You go unless You declare a blessing upon me.
I Didn’t Know How
Inside my heart, I knew God was well able to give me life and to conquer all my fears. I knew that God Himself was the only One Who could help me and change me and teach me how to live this very precious life. I wanted so desperately to feel alive and to live out this gift of living, but I didn’t know how to do it. So, I cried out to God continuously for Him to change me, to not let me go, to do something radical in me, so that I would be different. And He did.
Even after God met with me and began to pour His love over me, I still had to face my belief system. At this point, I simply believed no one would ever love me or even like me. I was asking God if He loved me. I was asking Him if I chose to be naked like Adam and Even in the Garden, would He love me the way He loved them? Would He turn from me because of my sin? Would I run to cover up if He glanced my way? Would I feel ashamed? It is a cry to my Lord to never leave me and to never forsake me, because I was in deep deep need of Him.
What is Your Name?
Genesis 32:27 The Man asked him, what is your name? And in shock of realization, whispering, he said, Jacob – supplanter, schemer, trickster, and swindler.
I was responding to His question and I was crying out for Help from Him, because my name was Lonely! Fearful! Death-filled! Love-starved! Selfish! and Mourning! I’m afraid to come out from this pain-filled cave, because it is all I know. Change me! Help me! Take me from the Kaleidoscope of fear!
Sometimes I would walk close to the entrance of my cave, but I’d make certain no one noticed. If someone did by chance get a glimpse of me, I would not say anything to them for fear they would ask me to speak with them. Then, I would have to come out of the cave. I wanted and deeply desired to feel the sun on my arms and the wind in my hair and the closeness of friendship. I desired for someone, anyone, to call me out from my cave. I would silently yell inside of my heart, “Can’t you see I’m lonely?! Won’t you come and rescue me? I’m afraid to come out! HELP! Won’t someone PLEASE come set me free from this prison I’m in?!” I was so confused. I wanted out, but refused to leave. Can you understand the frustration I lived in? In time, I actually shifted the blame of my captivity onto another and it became someone else’s choice for me to remain captive and not my own. This way, it was not my fault, and I was free to remain a prisoner. This was very twisted and confused thinking, because it is God’s will to set us free from our prison cells. He came to make the captives free – it is His purpose! I ran for many years, because I was unwilling to pay the price for freedom. Others did come to release me from my cave but I refused their help and steadfastly remained inside my kaleidoscope of fear.
Genesis 32:28 And HE said, “Your name shall be no more Jacob (supplanter), but Israel (Contender with God); for you have contended and have power with God and with men and have prevailed.
Shake Off Death Filled
You know what? God is always calling our names. He is pursuing us ALWAYS, and the day finally came when I was broken enough to hear His voice calling me. Oh, the voice carried promise as He gently said my name. He personalized Genesis 32:28, and He said, “Donna, you can no longer live as Lonely and Afraid and Fearful! You must shake off your name Death-filled and Love-starved! You must turn away from Selfish and Mournful! It is time to start living. You must come with Me now, because I have a life for you to live!”
Can you hear the voice of the Lord calling your name? Can you relate to the need to retreat into a hole to protect yourself from the possibility of being rejected or abandoned or hurt? At the same time, can you relate to the consequence of shutting out love as well?
Pray With Me
Jesus, I bring my feelings to You and ask You to heal my hurting and broken heart. Even if I knew where to start healing myself, I would not know where to begin. You are the Master Healer, and I ask You to send me Your Truth, so I can become a whole woman. I want to be confident and assured of Your love for me and my love for me in Jesus’ name. I have been isolated and alone and much of it has been self-imposed. I no longer want to live according to what I think is right. I want to be in right standing with You, so I can love and be loved. Help Me God, for You are my only Hope. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
If you read this far you might be interested in a fiction story…kind of like a soap opera really – I released the 3rd part in the Other Side of the Road and am preparing to release FROM the Other Side of the Road – you can follow me there too if you like – its just for fun!! http://donnareinersblogs.wordpress.com/
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Until next time,