I See

I see Life is inevitable and then there is life again.

Well, so I feel like I am experiencing what my mom experienced when she was dying at my age (57). I don’t like it nor want it but am not sure how to proceed other than to write it out.

I had dental surgery a few weeks ago and my body is still reeling – from the impact of an infection (still making its way out of my body)
from the impact of the sedation (still making its way out of my body) and the dehydration I had already experienced before the tooth was ever removed.

Since January or so, my esophageal sphincter has been stuck open (I am retraining it to be closed through a chiropractic help). The gastroenterologist was of no help as they only offered a pharmaceutical to soothe the acidic reaction. But the sphincter is getting triggered by either food, emotions or something ..unsure… event? Frequency?? Do not know. Did this happen to my mom? How did she pass through this season of her life?

My body is lower than the low acidic levels and so I’m working on monolithic eating with high alkaline causing foods. It is slow. It is a choosing with intention what I put into my mouth and a choosing with intention to eat it until it is mush in my mouth. I need the nutrients.

I remember Mom losing weight. I remember our last Christmas. I remember her weighing 118 pounds and I am at about 128 pounds right now. I have lost from 148 til now since about December/January… this is 2020 now…. Was that what happened to her?

My body is hungry. Was she hungry?

Was she unable to eat?

Did she feel misunderstood? Unnoticed?Uncared for? Alone?

I remember my dad leaving her at home alone as he went out on a date with a friend’s mom. I found it disgusting then. I did not understand his unkindness.

Now I see his selfishness.

And I see how out of control he felt at not being able to stop what was happening to his wife of 36 years. Now, I have compassion at him feeling powerless. I see.

I also remember him swearing to stop smoking when she was diagnosed which did not last long – he still smoked in her face.

I found that disgusting too. Now, I see his nervousness and how incapable he felt to care of his wife. He was a man’s man from surviving Pearl Harbor and other wars to living through raising 4 daughters … but this caring for his wife? This was different. This was painful. This was deep and this was where the rubber met the road. I see.

That was 1981.

It is 2020.

39 years.

Is this cellular memory for me? A twisted cellular frequency? If so, what triggered it? Why are these strange and odd incidents happening? I have no idea.

Is God revealing all of this to me?

Unsure. But it is revelatory.

I am fighting to trust and believe this is not my time to die. It feels silly to even be thinking it yet that is what is on the tip of my lips. Wow. It is an intensity I have never known.

Was she wanting to live? Choose life.

I remember asking why she was going to do chemotherapy and radiation.

Her response? It is my chance to live. She chose life. I see.

She wanted to see me grow up, get married – she wanted to live her days to see grandchildren – which there was only one and I’m thankful to know that niece today though her mom/my sister has passed away into the next realm. She wanted to see all her daughters succeed and she wanted to be part of our lives. She loved us. She was special. She was my best friend. She wanted life.

I have other issues I dare not share right now. So, I’m relearning how to live it seems. I’m learning how to eat it feels like for the first time. I see.

Bone broth is my friend.

So are green beans, asparagus and water. I love water. I love life.

I’m on a journey and you are too so don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you.

I’ll be updating soon on food, restoration and life – life – life.

Until soon friend with an update and much love with life I see – Donna Reiners

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