I See

I see Life is inevitable and then there is life again.

Well, so I feel like I am experiencing what my mom experienced when she was dying at my age (57). I don’t like it nor want it but am not sure how to proceed other than to write it out.

I had dental surgery a few weeks ago and my body is still reeling – from the impact of an infection (still making its way out of my body)
from the impact of the sedation (still making its way out of my body) and the dehydration I had already experienced before the tooth was ever removed.

Since January or so, my esophageal sphincter has been stuck open (I am retraining it to be closed through a chiropractic help). The gastroenterologist was of no help as they only offered a pharmaceutical to soothe the acidic reaction. But the sphincter is getting triggered by either food, emotions or something ..unsure… event? Frequency?? Do not know. Did this happen to my mom? How did she pass through this season of her life?

My body is lower than the low acidic levels and so I’m working on monolithic eating with high alkaline causing foods. It is slow. It is a choosing with intention what I put into my mouth and a choosing with intention to eat it until it is mush in my mouth. I need the nutrients.

I remember Mom losing weight. I remember our last Christmas. I remember her weighing 118 pounds and I am at about 128 pounds right now. I have lost from 148 til now since about December/January… this is 2020 now…. Was that what happened to her?

My body is hungry. Was she hungry?

Was she unable to eat?

Did she feel misunderstood? Unnoticed?Uncared for? Alone?

I remember my dad leaving her at home alone as he went out on a date with a friend’s mom. I found it disgusting then. I did not understand his unkindness.

Now I see his selfishness.

And I see how out of control he felt at not being able to stop what was happening to his wife of 36 years. Now, I have compassion at him feeling powerless. I see.

I also remember him swearing to stop smoking when she was diagnosed which did not last long – he still smoked in her face.

I found that disgusting too. Now, I see his nervousness and how incapable he felt to care of his wife. He was a man’s man from surviving Pearl Harbor and other wars to living through raising 4 daughters … but this caring for his wife? This was different. This was painful. This was deep and this was where the rubber met the road. I see.

That was 1981.

It is 2020.

39 years.

Is this cellular memory for me? A twisted cellular frequency? If so, what triggered it? Why are these strange and odd incidents happening? I have no idea.

Is God revealing all of this to me?

Unsure. But it is revelatory.

I am fighting to trust and believe this is not my time to die. It feels silly to even be thinking it yet that is what is on the tip of my lips. Wow. It is an intensity I have never known.

Was she wanting to live? Choose life.

I remember asking why she was going to do chemotherapy and radiation.

Her response? It is my chance to live. She chose life. I see.

She wanted to see me grow up, get married – she wanted to live her days to see grandchildren – which there was only one and I’m thankful to know that niece today though her mom/my sister has passed away into the next realm. She wanted to see all her daughters succeed and she wanted to be part of our lives. She loved us. She was special. She was my best friend. She wanted life.

I have other issues I dare not share right now. So, I’m relearning how to live it seems. I’m learning how to eat it feels like for the first time. I see.

Bone broth is my friend.

So are green beans, asparagus and water. I love water. I love life.

I’m on a journey and you are too so don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you.

I’ll be updating soon on food, restoration and life – life – life.

Until soon friend with an update and much love with life I see – Donna Reiners

Struggle for Strategy.

Exchange STRUGGLE for STRATEGY.
I have been in a struggle for years. Sometimes it was strife filled but no longer. Now, it’s life fillled. Listening. Daily. Struggle for strategy.
This is the key.
So, what’s your struggle? Mine has been health? Maybe yours is something else?
Family.
Responsibilities.
Parenting.
Adulting.
Gambling.
Porn.
Workaholic.
Alcoholic.
Crises after crises.
Under planning.
Over planning.
No planning.
No miney.
Too much money.
Stress.
Strife.
Competition.
Stubbornness.
You name it.

WE have to see how to maneuver through these days and exchange our struggle for strategy.

I’m getting new thoughts. New ideas. New ways. New processes.
A fresh start to hear and see.
I’m exchanging my struggle for strategy…

You can receive a strategy to depart from that thought into a new thought,
It’s not too late… It feels too late in some areas but it makes me press in more to hear and understand…so don’t give up…
Love-d

No premature end

You don’t know how your #story ends so don’t end it prematurely. #coach #life #business #women #author #ISC19

 

Death in Disguise

The struggle with thoughts of #death disguised as #grief is real. Turn your thoughts to life even if it’s one inch at a time… it’s possible for light to turn on in a #dark place. Give yourself permission to live. Love-d

#love #coach #life #lifeisbeautiful #suicide #death #live #author #writer #mentalhealth #anxiety

There was a time…

IF you can relate – type I GET IT! There was a time many years ago when I would not sleep for #fear I would wake up dead.

There was a time many years ago when I blamed #sickness on disease. There was a time many years ago when I refused relationships for fear they would die and leave me alone.

There was a time many years ago when I agreed with doctors who said I would not live past 30.

There was a time many years ago when I agreed I would die like my mom.

There was a time many years ago when I felt you would not love me if you really got to ‘see’ me.

There was a time when I thought I would disappear into depression.

There was a time when I gave up and wanted to die.

There was a time…

There was a time…

There was a time…

But God.

I said, “But God.”

Yes, it sometimes required a #fight.

Yes, it sometimes required my will overriding overwhelming #emotions filled with #darkness and #despair.

Yes, it required me contending for life I could not yet see.

But God.

I said, “But God.”

So, my #friend if you have read until the end, I want you to know that overcoming that which wants to overcome you is worth it.

Knowing That One Who overcame the world and lives inside of you and lives inside of me is worth it.

And I’d do it again.

You – don’t you give up and don’t you turn back and don’t you give in to those #death filled thoughts and ideas. Choose life because Life chose you and you were and are worth choosing. But #God. I GET IT!! Share so that someone struggling about ‘there was a time’ will choose life. #REPOST Love-d

#coach #life #lifecoach #lifeisbeautiful #live #anxiety #mentalhealth #mental #health #christian #jesus #writer #author #church You are loved – Donna Reiners

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Changing my Focus

Braver Wednesday – it’s not as easy as thinking that whatever you think you will get. But what if what you are thinking in the negative will never come to pass? Then you wasted all that precious time thinking dreary dead filled thoughts. Let’s change our focus. Let’s expect something different. Let’s hope for more. Let’s enjoy where we are while on the way to where we are going. Love, D

Suddenly

Tenacious Tuesday – Suddenly. The news came. One day soon, his life will end. Harsh to the ears though it was spoken gently from the doctor. Still it’s a shock. Life seems brief. When you finally think you know how to rule your own life- your life is over on planet earth. Starting over. Live well my friend. Love well. Keep no record of wrongs. Be at peace. Make forgiveness a priority. It’s imperative as we prepare for the other side.  Until soon-d

Light up the Dark

Fearless Friday- Why don’t you be the light in someone else’s darkness? As believers we justify walking out life alone because Jesus had friends unwilling or unable to stick with Him. We spiritualize loneliness saying our ‘need’ or someone else’s need should only be for Him. Perhaps we should heed His admonition to His disciples to remain awake? Perhaps this is an example of how we can be friends with others. Once someone begged me to be their friend. The intense need this woman had was unbearable. Over time I watched her blossom and bloom through our friendship. She never became dependent on me for her source of happiness. She just needed some light in her darkness so she could find her way out. 
In the family of Christ we should be healthy & mature enough to be friends with others. We should not have to beg for relationship with one another. Is it possible we should see the need of isolation as significant as shelter, food, or water? A possible breeding ground for suicide, sickness & bitterness may be lack of relationship. So, why don’t you light up someone else’s darkness? You might gain a lifelong friend. Love, d 

 

The Piece Between Living & Dying

Tenacious Tuesday – End of Life. It continues to roll across my mind…over and over and over it speaks to me. First it comes as a whisper and then it is louder than the voices of those around me. Most certainly, these three little words have a stronger significance when it has to do with you or a loved one.
End of life.

It is intense.

It is intimate.

It is final. 

It is no respecter of persons as it comes to every single one of us. 

Sometimes it is sudden. Sometimes it is a process. Sometimes you are ready and sometimes you are not ready and truthfully even when “ready” are you ever really prepared? Sometimes you want it now as in today and then, sometimes you wish tomorrow would never arrive. Even so, whether you are old or whether you are young – we will each meet these three final words. 

So, let beginnings and endings be your friend. Be fearless in life and death. Let friendship with Living prepare you for dying and let God be the Piece that connects the two.

Until soon, d 

 

Life Turns Upside Down

Super Saturday – Some years ago, a closer than close friend was diagnosed with a disease called Multiple Sclerosis (M.S). She lives with her sister because the doctors said she could no longer work or drive. All of a sudden, her life was turned upside down. It devastated her to “not be able to do her job.” She took such pride in her work and was very good and respected in the work place. In a way, she got much of her self-worth from her job. After all, she spent at least 8 hours per day in the corporate setting and was paid “to do a good job.”  Can you relate? Now, to be released from those responsibilities and told she was “incapable,” was like throwing ice cubes in her face. Though her mind was slowing, her heart was, and is, still in tact. We sadly watched the changes that took place. Her thinking and reasoning changed, her short-term memory is minimal, her confidence diminished, her attention span dissipated, and her physical and emotional balance went off-kilter. Her caregiver took her to a doctor who specializes in Alzheimer’s disease and cognitive thinking problems. After a long battery of testing and prodding, he concluded it was “inconclusive” as to whether or not she had M.S. As a matter of fact, the test results showed her B12 to be so deficient that it could have killed her. Furthermore, in a meeting with neurologists and specialists, it was discussed how a severe B12 deficiency mimics the same results as M.S.  It eats away at the Myelin Sheath covering the nerves. The kicker is this – that a B12 deficiency could have been addressed. Could she have begun taking B vitamins?  Perhaps most of her brain could have been preserved? No one knows.  It makes you think though, doesn’t it? Could all or most of the distress she has gone through been avoided by taking a simple B vitamin? So, the effects are irreparable without a miracle. What were the options? Sue the doctors?  Dive into self pity? What do you do when your life appears to be brought to ruin, and then realize you could have stopped the devastation? What do we do when life turns upside down.

Until soon and much love,

d